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Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe. ceehiro.

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Combatting the "I will never be as good as..." Failure Syndrome

Children, and even adults, often give up developing their skills and talents because they fear they will never be as good as the athletes, singers, performers, writers, actors, musicians, sports men and women, etc paraded on the television and media each day. I've fallen victim to this myself. Why write a children's novel when I can never reach the dizzying heights of JK Rowling? I will never be as good as Roald Dahl... The world doesn't need another mediocre children's author...

How can we combat this pervasive depression of 'ordinary' talent?

The CM approach to homeschooling encourages "living books" - I like this, though never explored it personally with my children. I think that perhaps biographies and autobiographies (and perhaps some sensitive and more accurately portrayed movies) are a better way to introduce our children to the extraordinary abilities of others (or better still - real life encounters!) because at least they will see that these people are human and struggle with fragile egos and self-doubts the same as the rest of us.

I think that shows like "Idol" might be okay if they stressed the journey more and the 'winning' less... Instead of focussing on eliminating the less popular (and therefore deemed to be less talented) perhaps the show could focus on how hard it is to be a performer (or whatever, depending on the nature of the show) - the 'staying power' required, and what drives that, the support mechanisms needed to continue in a chosen field against all odds, etc. These shows could be about character building as much as showcasing extraordinary talent. In that way EVERYONE can take something from the show instead of being voyeuristic armchair critics, knowing in their heart of hearts they will never amount to much at all.

The days when families played and sang most days doesn't have to be gone forever... Maybe it is time to turn off the box, reject the magazines with their competitive messages, and have some quality family time where each person is able to explore and develop their talents in a non-competitive environment.

If we can't manage to do that (and I know how hard it is to turn off the box!) then we need to work really hard to continuously give ourselves and others permission to 'be' - to 'be' exactly who they are in this moment in time (not the next or future moments years away), in this particular situation and circumstance. We need to drop our expectations of others and allow them to express themselves without need to judge them or their actions; to act rather than react with this in mind. I find that so hard - the urge to judge is amazingly strong, but then again, I was brought up to fear judgemental authority, and as a kid I knew that when I grew up I would be in a position of authority. My training was to learn how to judge, not how to accept and offer permission...

© Beverley Paine

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A Personal View of Being 'Gifted'

I've alway found being gifted a burden - I'm convinced I'm not gifted enough and that sucks. I'm somewhere between normal and extraordinary - I never ever truly 'excel' at anything and that bugs me. I've been brought up to always do my best, but habitually only ever achieve 95%, which for most people would be brilliant and they'd be ecstatic to be able to do what I seem able to do with ease. But for me, because I'm driven by this external motivation to please others, deliver perfection (100% or A++) and always do the very best I can, achieve my potential, whatever that is, etc, etc, etc... I feel like an eternal failure.

I was identified as 'bright' and 'gifted' as a child. The teachers despaired because I looked eternally bored at school. I wasn't. I was somewhere else - in my head. I just have that kind of face. I look bored, or sad, or tired, unless I'm thoroughly engaged in a learning task, which is when I am truly enjoying myself. How can anyone be in that state in a classroom?

I remember, with absolute clarity, the look of disappointment on my year 11 teacher's face as he handed me back my assignment, with an 'A-'. 'A-' was always a failure to me. I was an 'A++' student, no less. A 'B' grade horrified me. A C and I felt depressed, ready to chuck it in. Failing year 12 hurt - but I'm so glad I began to abandon the need to fit into other people's ideas of who I should be halfway through that year and discover who I really am. People like me try to overcome the damage for the rest of their lives.

Although my abilities were paraded (Beverley as merit badge! - look at me, aren't I clever, I have a clever daughter!!!) no one took the time to help me identify my true strengths and value them enough to guide me into developing those abilities further. I found that as a bright kid adults had their own agendas about what was good for my future. Spending all day reading and writing fiction wasn't part of that. I had to be a scientist, a brain surgeon, or something along that vein - fame, prestige, university degrees, and a high paying job was the perceived end point of 'brightness'.

I remember desperately wanting to fail in grade 5, not only to win the kind of attention my not so bright (but artistically talented - again, not valued) sister had. Failure seemed the only way to be free of the pressure to perform.

I was one of those kids that enjoyed school, but year 12 was enough to put me off writing for a decade. It wasn't until I did a creative dance class as a young mum that I finally found a few words of poetry bubbling up from somewhere deep inside. I hugged those words and danced around the house for about an hour! It's been a long journey from there to published author. The wounds bite deep. I don't want to be gifted or talented because when you get there, when you do your best, they move the bar higher. If you are an author you have to be a JK Rowling or Steven King - the interest drops when people find out you're not on the best selling list.

I hate the cultural imperative in our western society that says we have win gold, nothing less. If you aren't first then you are a loser. I hate the phrase 'achieve his or her potential'. It's never enough. Bright kids work really hard to get there. It's not something they chose to do, they are driven by some innate force they can't turn off. I've spent my life wanting to turn that force off.

All children, from the tiniest babe, are alive with potential - but it's potential to grow and be and do, not anything in particular that we value or determine, but who they are. Given unconditional love, given selfless attention, a young person will spend his or her life learning about who he or she is, what they can do with ease and what is challenging. Given patient understanding and the time and space to discover this without external pressure to perform, he or she will learn that it's the challenging things that provide the most pleasure and satisfaction. Growing and learning and changing are exhilarating, breathless. Discovery and invention make the heart beat faster.

Kids naturally push themselves to grow - in all directions. We are the ones that place limits on that growth - consciously and unconsciously. I always feel the need to back off around children. I've intervened and pushed my face into their time and space, thinking I was 'helping them learn and grow' all too often. Kids need us to back off more than anything, but to be there, beaming our unconditional love and faith all the time, quietly in the background. They need that reassurance that we care enough to be there for them, like a safety net, to catch them sometimes, to let them fall at other times, and always to pick them up and set them on the course again, without judgement. That's what makes parenting the hardest job in the world.

© Beverley Paine


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Gifted Homeschooling Children

Yesterday, on the http://groups.yahoo.com/group/australianhomeschoolers/ the discussion turned to defining 'giftedness' (digest 453).

Kim asked what we all thought giftedness and said, "I did a fair bit of specialisation in giftedness and 'special' ed, back in my teaching & studying days and I felt fairly strongly about giftedness and what it meant. Now, I've almost come full circle. I feel every child is gifted. Every child has intelligence in one form or another (we're all so different). And that when children are given freedom to learn on their own terms they flourish in whatever it is they are learning. My concern with the 'gifted' label is that many children who are labeled as gifted are very good at 'school' type stuff. This puts the emphasis on the person judging the giftedness and not on the actual child."

Like Kim, I've spent a fair amount of time thinking about this subject. I, too, found that young children 'dumbed down' considerably when they went to school and lost the ability to 'learn' and 'think' - hence the need for DeBono's great books. I've known some gifted homeschooling students who were accelerated through school-type learning activities in their younger years who lost the touch before their teen years, but still shone in areas of high interest - way beyond what most children or people are capable of. So I still believe in the notion of 'giftedness' - some people are naturally talented, some in one or two areas only and others in whatever piques their interest.

As always, personal interest, usually displayed as seemingly insatiable passion or curiosity, is the heart of motivation for learning. With a 'gifted' child the parent works very hard to accomodate this - and it is hard work finding all the resources, be they people, places or materials. The thirst for knowledge and ability is intense. Most parents of gifted children I know tend to sacrifice their own lifes - or at least put them on hold - until the child is old enough to be responsible for his or her own learning.

I've met some precocious homeschooling parents who think their children are special and deserve special treatment and they seem to get high on telling everyone how great their child is... And sometimes the child is gifted at age four, but by age eight is pretty much like all the other kids in the homeschooling group.

Nowadays I do my best not to judge the child or parent but treat them both like I would any other child or parent - with encouragement to "be" whoever they are today and to "do" whatever is needed to be done right now to fulfil that learning need.

According to Stephanie Tolan, in an article on Annette Hall's website http://reliableanswers.com:

"It's a tough time to raise, teach or be a highly gifted child. A school system that defines giftedness as behaviour, achievement and performance is compromised in its ability to recognize its highly gifted students. This cheetah metaphor will help us see the problem with achievement-oriented thinking in our schools today.

Her cheetah metaphor is the clearest description of giftedness that I've read. Most of us agree that, in nature, it's important to preserve biodiversity. Looking at the issue from this point of view creates a powerful argument in support of accurate labelling and individual treatment of every child.
Beverley

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Trying High School

by Beverley Paine

first published in August/September issue of Homeschool Australia magazine
http://ha-magazine.beverleypaine.com

I was asked recently what I thought about allowing children to try high school, if they asked to go. I said that I would not have denied April, or Roger or Thomas the opportunity to go to school, or try it out, if that's what they really wanted.

Because I had personally had been out of the school system so long I felt I was not equipped to judge whether or not school was/would be suitable for my children... I'm one of those folk that all too often gave in to the concept of "benefit of doubt".

When my children did go to school, during the primary school years, I found a school that I could attend with them. We basically homeschooled at school and the other children in the class copped the benefit of that!

High school was different. I enrolled for one subject at year 12 level and attended classes all year - that was an eye opener and if more parents were to head back to high school and give it a go most would be pulling their kids out quick smart! I wasn't happy that my children opted for part time high school but I didn't actively discourage it - to begin with.

I saw high school as a waste of their time and energy. I could see that the gains didn't outweigh the losses. My children saw that too... April was happy to cop that and continued but Roger dropped out after a year. Ultimately, by the time April was attending full time, we worked out that she was learning stuff at school (that had nothing to do with the school curriculum) that she couldn't learn at home, mostly because I wasn't willing to put the effort in... I wouldn't ever do that again and advise people to try their hardest to source materials and resources outside of the school system. School looks like an easy road to travel, but the excess baggage you pick up on the way isn't worth it!

I didn't like to say 'no' to my kids often. I was forever telling them 'don't say no, have a go' - the idea was that they couldn't refuse an activity (or piece of food on their plate!) without trying it first... I didn't push things on them very often. I maintained that as parent I had the power of 'veto' but that I liked to be argued with because I'm not always right and don't always have the best perspective on things, and I definitely don't know everything...

The drive or need to try high school seems to be an issue with homeschooled girls when they reach puberty. Their need to define their identity in social settings seems more acute than it does for boys and they reach this stage much sooner. I think that as homeschooling parents we need to guard against the urge to accept school as an option - because of the fact that they really are quite young... They may seem ready to handle that kind of socialisation process, but most aren't.

I get questions from parents torn between supporting their child's declared 'need' to go to school, and their conviction as parents that they should say "no". We didn't face this until April had been attending for some time. We spent a year - the first full-time year - where I ranted and raved and was totally non-supportive of school, mostly because she'd come home and whinge incessantly about school. She was 16... I think that made a difference. The whole thing almost ruined our close relationship... When she turned 17 I realised that 'school' was the thing she was studying - how people are managed, how bureaucracies are run, how people systems work... She needed to be part of a large organisation because she was learning to be a manager (she now manages a small shop). At the same time she was working up to 30 hours a week at the supermarket, so her appetite for learning this stuff was huge. We could have found another way to satisfy this need in April if we'd become more involved in our local community earlier.

I think that if the parent and child can talk about all the aspects of going to school or not going to school with openness and honesty - let each other know what you each really fear, what you think, what you hope for - then ultimately whatever happens will be for the best for both of you. Thomas and I have huge blues but we stick at it, teasing out all aspects of whatever it is we aren't agreeing on, sometimes storming off into our corners to cool off, then apologising for any 'meanness' and getting stuck into the issue again... We want to understand each other so we can work effectively together to help each other reach whatever goals we've set. I often have to back down from my position, even though I think that I know best. He demands to learn on his own terms, in his own way, and is annoyed that I work my butt off to 'protect' him... I have - very slowly - learned to trust my children, to let them make their own learning journeys - which they will, anyway, with or without me! That's the hard bit - trusting that, no matter what, all will turn out for the best, one way or another.

The thing about my children trying high school was that, unlike all the other kids there they were free to come home, whenever they wants. I made it clear to April that she didn't have to 'perform' for 'good grades' or do work that didn't make sense, although I did insist that she honour her commitments and negotiate with her teachers if she disagreed with the curriculum they had set for her. This freedom (and responsibility) made all the difference to April. She was able to quit a class because the teacher was incompetent (a judgement she made and I supported). She didn't have to do assignments or obey rules that didn't make sense, so long as she protested in an appropriate manner. Her assertiveness impressed classmates and teachers alike and the establishment didn't really know what to make of it... April didn't feel pressed to perform, get grades, or do anything that didn't feel 'right' or comfortable... We gave her the support to be herself within that environment. We talked about all this stuff a LOT at home, but then again, that was because April was intensely interested in how and why people do what they do...

I was always buoyed up by the positive family experiences of some of my best friends whose children did go to school and who were doing fine... It's not easy to get the best from school, but it doesn't have to a totally negative experience either.

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