Reflections on My Arrogance

Personal arrogance is a stumbling block I face in my daily relationships with others, and my attitude to my work. I still catch myself thinking that I am at the centre of the universe and that it revolves around me and my ideas, projects, etc. In this I am much like a child. It's knowing which aspects of my inner child to 'grow up' and which to retain that is often for me.

My curiousity and imagination, and ability to empath, I never want to lose. I can imagine myself a child and feel like a child, albeit with an onlooking and experience-mitigating adult consciousness. This aspect of my inner child teaches me a great deal. On other hand my child-like egocentric nature isn't at all good for relating to and with others. I'm demanding, selfish, bossy, dominating - and big enough to get my own way by any means. Being the middle child, with a tantrum-throwing older sister, I chose quiet manipulation as the most effective way to be 'heard' in my family, and made a study of human behaviour. Knowing the 'right' time to approach someone, or 'right' tone to use, to get my own way became quite an art form. It is also serves my humility in much the same way. I learned from an age to manipulate my environment to achieve my goals.

Learning to let others finish speaking before I press my own views took quite a few years to learn. I'm not that accomplished at it now. Too much of a hurry most of the time... Learning to listen, well, that's a skill I'm still working on. I try to approach conversations with a blank mind. If I want something, however, I'm using all the tools in my persuasion toolbox. Trouble is I'm not the all-wise, all-knowing, clever person I sometimes think I am and then I do and say things that make my life very complicated! :-) My task, in this fifth decade of life, is to take four steps backwards and study the wisdom life presents to me, rather than feel in such a rush to *make* things happen the way I think they *should*.

My 'humbleness' and 'acceptance of a imperfect existance' is the tool I use to grow myself up. I am blessed by awareness of self, and of my learning and growing process. It's often a depressing burden, but I wouldn't chose any other way of being.

© Beverley Paine

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